Beneath Guarded Hearts - 82

Previously…

3bdulla

I felt an aching longing as I battled down my urges to put my arms around her and whisper into her ears, have her sleep with the knowledge that I would be there when she would wake. But I couldn’t. For a while, I would have to put my desires aside and respect her wishes. I just hoped she wasn’t trying to bear through this alone.

___________

Asma

            My senses jolted awake at a soft shift of movements, but my eyes lay shut, my body unmoving, as I tried to take in my surroundings through my hearing. I didn’t want to wake up, didn’t want to accept what happened. But it had happened. And sooner or later, I would have to face everything and try to get past it. I had to be strong. If not for me, then for him. The man who stumbled against something and caught his breath, body frozen, his eyes now on my motionless form tucked under the bed sheets. Tears started to build up beneath my heavy lids, knowing how much he was suffering, how my shutting the world out was killing him. I couldn’t stop the frown from weaving into my face, and suddenly his warmth was next to me, his fingertips gently brushing loose strands of hair back from my face as he hushed me back to sleep. It’s alright, he whispered. My body shivered a little before it relaxed against him. For a moment, I forgot everything, all the pain, all the remorse, and I savored the shelter of being near him. I knew it wasn’t fair to him, and I desperately tried to cling on to some peace of mind, but his face kept appearing in my head. I opened my eyes, squinting against the dim light, trying to take in his features.

3bdulla: “No, it’s alright, go back to sleep. Everything’s fine…”

            I wanted to believe that, wanted nothing more than to fall back into a dreamless slumber, knowing that everything would be fine, but I couldn’t. Not anymore. I had to stop being so selfish. I unwrapped my arms that encircled my pillow and steadied myself as I propped my body up into a sitting position. My hair slightly fell over my face, and he leaned forward and tucked it back, giving me an unsure smile.

3bdulla: “I’m sorry I woke you up, 7abeebty. I can leave if you want me to.”

            That did it. I started to sob, mumbling I’m sorry over and over again. He wrapped his arms around me and rocked me back and forth, telling me that it was all right, and that there was nothing to be sorry about. When I calmed down, he held my face in his palms and looked at me timidly.

3bdulla: “I’m sorry I couldn’t be there for you the way you needed me to.”

            How was it that he was the one mouthing my exact thoughts? Shouldn’t the situation be reversed?

Me: “You? I’m the one who should be sorry!”

3bdulla: “No, don’t say that.”

Me: “But I will. I have to, or else I’ll go mad. I love you 3bdulla, and I’m sorry I pushed you away…”

3bdulla: “But that was a natural reaction, given that… that it was my fault…”

            He turned away, unable to hold my gaze, his body stiffening. I didn’t respond, not believing what I was hearing. What was he saying? How was this his fault? Before I could utter my confusion, he looked back at me, desperation reflecting off of his eyes.

3bdulla: “I’m so sorry Asma, that I put you through this, that I was so careless! I don’t know if you’ll ever be able to forgive me, but I can’t… I can’t imagine life without you. Please don’t leave me. I promise you, we’ll get through this! I promise…”

            I slipped my arms around his neck, hugged him tight and gently massaged his tense muscles until he began to relax. I turned to face him, planted a kiss on each one of his eyes, and managed a smile.

Me: “3bdulla… how is this in any way your fault? Hatha mn Allah, 8adar Allah w ma sha2 fi3al. Sho hal kalam?”

            He seemed unconvinced somehow.

3bdulla: “But I… I'm the one who left the water open… if it weren’t for me, you wouldn’t have slipped, wouldn’t have-”

            I placed my finger over his lips, silencing him.

Me: “You don’t know what would’ve happened. Maybe something worse was going to happen to me, and God’s mercy replaced it with this. Everything happens for a reason.”

            His rising hysteria started to succumb, but he was still uncertain of himself.

3bdulla: “But Asma…”

Me: “But nothing. I’m not the only one who lost a child; you did too. We’re both going through this, but we have to deal with it together.”

3bdulla: “I don’t know if I can.”

Me: “Yes you can. 3bady… this isn’t your fault. Did you hear me?”

            I took his face in my palms and forced him to look back at me.

Me: “This isn’t anyone’s fault.”

            I whispered intently and waited for him to take it in. He finally moved his face in a reluctant nod underneath my hands. I had to be strong for him. I shut him out for too long. I smiled genuinely before I sealed his lips with mine. He held back a little, his mixture of surprise and guilt too dominate against his desires. I kissed him deeper, made every cold cell in his body warm up to me, to trust me again, and I felt my old husband returning to me; the one who couldn’t lay his hands off of me, who smirked at my anger and teased me, who whispered endearments into my ears and made me feel beautiful in every sense. My 3bdulla came back to me.

To be continued…

Beneath Guarded Hearts - 81

Previously…

3bdulla

There was a deadly stillness, the kind you feel right before an earthquake emerges. I rushed back inside. Sul6an was literally red as he argued with the doctor, towering over him, and then there was sudden silence. Sul6an’s eyes widened, unblinking, his shoulders slumping down, his skin suddenly pale.

Sul6an: “What did you say?”

The doctor backed away, as if in danger of a predator about to go for the kill.

Doctor: “Ms. Asma is alright, but…”

The relief swept through me as fast as it left me. But? I marched up to him, a new panic evading me.

Me: “But what?!”

Doctor: “Sir, I am very sorry, but we couldn’t save the baby.”

_________

Asma

I woke up to a faint beeping noise stuttering into my right ear, and I shuffled in my place. I felt needles stretching into the skin at the back of my hand, and I couldn't reach up to scratch my drowsy eyes awake, the needle biting into my nerves with every sudden movement. I focused instead on opening my eyes. I can hear voices around me, but I can't make out what's being said. What happened to me? Then the memory of the previous night started drowning in.

My baby.

My eyelids flung open and I sat upright on the hospital bed, the needles sinking deeper into my veins as I rested my weight on my palms, but I didn't care, didn't even feel the sting.

Me: “My child.. Where's my baby!”

I was shaking, panic evading me. I prayed to God that last night was only an illusion, a very bad dream. I saw my family around me, the sympathy in their eyes, the wordless confirmation they held. I looked frantically for 3bdulla, but he wasn't there.

Me: “Wain 3bdulla?!”

Everyone seemed to be at a loss of words. Either that, or I didn’t give them enough time to answer, prattling again.

‘Yesterday was just a very bad dream…’ I told myself. I sighed, but there was still no comfort filling my chest. In fact, I felt very… hollow.

Me: “Where is he? He must be with the baby… In the ICU, right? Thinking of names for our beautiful little girl? Why isn't anyone telling him to come to me? Someone please call him…”

More silence. I was trying to calm myself down, but the faces around me weren't promising. My mother nodded towards Sul6an and he left the room. The whole time, he refused to look at me. Then, the rest of my family started to leave as my mother approached me. For some reason, I didn’t want to have a private talk with her.

Me: “No, please stay! You all are more than welcome!”

They all mumbled out their excuses as they took their leave. My mother looked at me with such sadness that I started to tear up. I knew what she was about to say, knew she was trying to be strong for me.

But I wouldn’t believe it. God would never be that cruel. My child must have survived, just like I did. I needed 3bdulla to tell me that. Where was he?

Mama: “Asma, sweetie… you need to listen to me.”

Me: “NO I don’t mama, what I need is to see 3bdulla! So that he can tell me that everything’s fine, that our daughter is healthy and well.”

            The hope I was desperately clinging on to was fading away, turning into a mirage of water that would never satisfy my thirst. Because it was never there.

Me: “Mama, please tell me that everything’s fine… Mama?”

            I tried to ignore that look in her eyes, but the answer blazed in their deep chocolate tint as she started to tear up. I saw the truth. I saw death. I saw no baby girl, crying for her mother’s arms. All of that was now just… just an illusion, one that would never come true.

I hugged her tightly and started to sob against her shoulders, my entire body trembling. I heard her mumbling, “It's okay, it's okay,” in a continuous soothing voice, but my skin felt icy cold against her gentle touch. I felt no soothing; I only felt pain. After a long time of her rocking me back and forth in her arms, my sobs turned into silent tears, and I slowly let go of her.

Me: “Mama, I need to be alone.”

She nodded in understanding and slowly started to leave.

Mama: “Do you still want me to call for 3bdulla?”

3bdulla. How could I possibly face him after this? How would I act in front of him? I was such a wreck and I couldn't let him see me like this. I had to gain control over my emotions, try to accept that what has happened was for the best, and I couldn't do that with him around. I needed to be alone with God to look up to for guidance.

Me: “No, just tell him I need some time.”

She nodded and left the room, and I frowned at the white, hospital walls that were supposed to make patients feel at ease. But I only felt choked up, and I wanted to get out of this place. I wanted to pray under an open, midnight sky, far away from the city lights, far away from this ugly mess that had befallen me. I started to get up, but a wave of dizziness flooded my head and I had to lie back down. The crying itself was exhausting and I had little strength left to make any major movements, so I cuddled up under the thin sheets and waited until sleep had taken over me, praying that I would have an undisturbed, dreamless slumber.

3bdulla

            I heard rough footsteps from behind me but ignored it, knowing the familiar thuds belonged to Sul6an.

Me: “Go away.”

Sul6an: “I’m not here to talk, just to deliver. She’s asleep now, if you want to see her for a while, get some peace.”

Me: “I will never have peace. She didn’t deserve this. WE didn’t deserve this.”

            But even as I said it, I was already considering taking him up on his offer. I needed to see Asma, so desperately.

Me: “Lead the way.”

            Under normal circumstances, Sul6an would usually smirk, making sure I didn’t miss the fact that he was ‘always’ right. But tonight was different. Tonight, his eyes were swept of humor and turned dark and vacant. I realized he could almost be as miserable as I was. But I knew he never would be. No one could ever know how broken I was, and Lord knew how I could ever heal from this. But I had to hold myself together, for Asma if not for me. She needed her husband. In a way, I felt that she had lost more in more ways than I could ever imagine, so you would understand my need to see her face asleep, at ease, in another world that wasn’t as cruel as this one.

Sul6an: “We’re here. Be extra quiet. You know how much of a light sleeper she is.”

            I nodded and he left. I stared at the crack that was still open through the door. Could I be quiet enough? Could I stand to refrain from any temptations to hold her in my arms and comfort her? I had to. She needed her sleep, and this momentary time of peace was the least that I could give her. I very carefully tiptoed my way in and turned to face my wife. Tears sprung from my eyes at the sight of her. She was cuddled up in a ball, her knees raised up to her face and her one arm laying straight on the mattress and partly hanging loosely at the edge of the bed, because of the needles I would imagine. Coats of fresh tears were still glowing on the pale curve of her cheeks in the dim light, and her eyebrows were squashed together in a miserable frown. Her other arm was curved in a half circle as she hugged the invisible air, and then I realized that her pillow wasn’t with her tonight. I made a mental note to make sure she would have it for tomorrow night, and any nights to follow. After all, she needed to cuddle something now that I wasn’t in bed with her. I felt an aching longing as I battled down my urges to put my arms around her and whisper into her ears, have her sleep with the knowledge that I would be there when she would wake. But I couldn’t. For a while, I would have to put my desires aside and respect her wishes. I just hoped she wasn’t trying to bear through this alone.

To be continued…