Beneath Guarded Hearts - 82

Previously…

3bdulla

I felt an aching longing as I battled down my urges to put my arms around her and whisper into her ears, have her sleep with the knowledge that I would be there when she would wake. But I couldn’t. For a while, I would have to put my desires aside and respect her wishes. I just hoped she wasn’t trying to bear through this alone.

___________

Asma

            My senses jolted awake at a soft shift of movements, but my eyes lay shut, my body unmoving, as I tried to take in my surroundings through my hearing. I didn’t want to wake up, didn’t want to accept what happened. But it had happened. And sooner or later, I would have to face everything and try to get past it. I had to be strong. If not for me, then for him. The man who stumbled against something and caught his breath, body frozen, his eyes now on my motionless form tucked under the bed sheets. Tears started to build up beneath my heavy lids, knowing how much he was suffering, how my shutting the world out was killing him. I couldn’t stop the frown from weaving into my face, and suddenly his warmth was next to me, his fingertips gently brushing loose strands of hair back from my face as he hushed me back to sleep. It’s alright, he whispered. My body shivered a little before it relaxed against him. For a moment, I forgot everything, all the pain, all the remorse, and I savored the shelter of being near him. I knew it wasn’t fair to him, and I desperately tried to cling on to some peace of mind, but his face kept appearing in my head. I opened my eyes, squinting against the dim light, trying to take in his features.

3bdulla: “No, it’s alright, go back to sleep. Everything’s fine…”

            I wanted to believe that, wanted nothing more than to fall back into a dreamless slumber, knowing that everything would be fine, but I couldn’t. Not anymore. I had to stop being so selfish. I unwrapped my arms that encircled my pillow and steadied myself as I propped my body up into a sitting position. My hair slightly fell over my face, and he leaned forward and tucked it back, giving me an unsure smile.

3bdulla: “I’m sorry I woke you up, 7abeebty. I can leave if you want me to.”

            That did it. I started to sob, mumbling I’m sorry over and over again. He wrapped his arms around me and rocked me back and forth, telling me that it was all right, and that there was nothing to be sorry about. When I calmed down, he held my face in his palms and looked at me timidly.

3bdulla: “I’m sorry I couldn’t be there for you the way you needed me to.”

            How was it that he was the one mouthing my exact thoughts? Shouldn’t the situation be reversed?

Me: “You? I’m the one who should be sorry!”

3bdulla: “No, don’t say that.”

Me: “But I will. I have to, or else I’ll go mad. I love you 3bdulla, and I’m sorry I pushed you away…”

3bdulla: “But that was a natural reaction, given that… that it was my fault…”

            He turned away, unable to hold my gaze, his body stiffening. I didn’t respond, not believing what I was hearing. What was he saying? How was this his fault? Before I could utter my confusion, he looked back at me, desperation reflecting off of his eyes.

3bdulla: “I’m so sorry Asma, that I put you through this, that I was so careless! I don’t know if you’ll ever be able to forgive me, but I can’t… I can’t imagine life without you. Please don’t leave me. I promise you, we’ll get through this! I promise…”

            I slipped my arms around his neck, hugged him tight and gently massaged his tense muscles until he began to relax. I turned to face him, planted a kiss on each one of his eyes, and managed a smile.

Me: “3bdulla… how is this in any way your fault? Hatha mn Allah, 8adar Allah w ma sha2 fi3al. Sho hal kalam?”

            He seemed unconvinced somehow.

3bdulla: “But I… I'm the one who left the water open… if it weren’t for me, you wouldn’t have slipped, wouldn’t have-”

            I placed my finger over his lips, silencing him.

Me: “You don’t know what would’ve happened. Maybe something worse was going to happen to me, and God’s mercy replaced it with this. Everything happens for a reason.”

            His rising hysteria started to succumb, but he was still uncertain of himself.

3bdulla: “But Asma…”

Me: “But nothing. I’m not the only one who lost a child; you did too. We’re both going through this, but we have to deal with it together.”

3bdulla: “I don’t know if I can.”

Me: “Yes you can. 3bady… this isn’t your fault. Did you hear me?”

            I took his face in my palms and forced him to look back at me.

Me: “This isn’t anyone’s fault.”

            I whispered intently and waited for him to take it in. He finally moved his face in a reluctant nod underneath my hands. I had to be strong for him. I shut him out for too long. I smiled genuinely before I sealed his lips with mine. He held back a little, his mixture of surprise and guilt too dominate against his desires. I kissed him deeper, made every cold cell in his body warm up to me, to trust me again, and I felt my old husband returning to me; the one who couldn’t lay his hands off of me, who smirked at my anger and teased me, who whispered endearments into my ears and made me feel beautiful in every sense. My 3bdulla came back to me.

To be continued…