Beneath Guarded Hearts - 85

Previously…

Asma

Rashid: “Dammit it Asma, stop it! She doesn’t love me and she never will, because she chose someone else over me. Okay? Is that what you want to hear? Are you satisfied?”

My words were choked up in my throat, and I couldn’t get anything out. The last thing he wanted was pity. I wanted to hug him and tell him that he deserved better and that he would find someone who would show him why it never worked out, but I couldn’t do that. I couldn’t get anything out with the way he was looking at me.

Me: “I’m sorry…”

With tear-filled eyes, I turned around and ran back to the house. I vaguely heard something smash against metal, and then moments afterwards, the engine roared to life and he drove away. What had I done to earn such a hateful glare?

________________

3bdulla

            I heard a shuffle of gentle footsteps, and the doorknob turned very slowly as Asma tried to tiptoe in. She wore a surprised look when she saw that I was wide-awake, still waiting for her. When she said nothing, I asked the unavoidable question.

Me: “What happened?”

            I asked her softly, giving her a sweet smile and patting the empty space beside me on the bed. She sighed and relaxed a little, slumping her shoulders. She unwrapped her scarf, and I always loved watching her do it, because I knew that no one else had the pleasure of seeing her uncovered. Suddenly I remembered Rashid’s past with her, and a thought entered my head. Had Rashid seen her uncovered?

            She started to smile back at me tiredly, until she saw the unconscious frown creasing my forehead. She approached me slowly, wearing a concerned expression.

Asma: “What’s wrong? Did you forget something in your house?”

            I shook my head, desperately wanting to know the answer to my thought. But I had to be patient with her. First, she would tell me what was going on. Then I’ll judge whether I should ask her or not. I faked a sincere smile.

Me: “It’s nothing. Now, tell me all about it, and don’t leave anything out.”

Asma

            I gave him the benefit of the doubt and believed him, but I felt that something was terribly wrong. I pushed the thought aside, coaxing my mind to believe that I was simply overthinking the situation, and started to tell 3bdulla about what I found out tonight. His face was expressionless the whole time, save for the occasional nod of understanding. When I was done, I couldn’t stop myself from asking him the question that tugged at me in my head.

Me: “3bdulla… Who do you think he’s talking about?”

            He breathed in a rigid sigh, and finally looked at me.

3bdulla: “If you’re so concerned about it, why don’t you ask him?”

            There was an odd edge to his voice.

Me: “But I already did… he won’t tell me. I just told you this…”

3bdulla: “Why do you care Asma?! What is he to you?”

            I flinched at his rapid rising tone, and he glared at me, waiting for me to answer. What just happened? Wasn’t he just nodding in understanding? I knew something was wrong. I stared at him with terror, unable to hide the shock on my face. How could he talk to me like that?

Me: “3bdulla… he’s like a brother to me. He’s done so much for me, the least I could do is return the favor.”

            I tried to speak softly, especially since I knew he was angry, but I couldn’t help sounding a little defensive.

3bdulla: “Oh really? And what am I to you then? Because right now, it sounds like you're more concerned about his love life than your own.”

Me: “3bdulla, that’s not true! Where is this coming from?”

            He took in a sharp breath and bit his lip hard. I reached over and rubbed the tip of my thumb on his lower lip, urging him silently to stop before he started bleeding. He slapped my hand away and recoiled from my touch.

3bdulla: “I know he’s touched you before, but just tell me this: has he ever seen you without your 3aba and shaila?”

Rashid

            Flashes of her smile haunted my head, a smile she once only reserved for me. It was so long ago, so long, and it was my fault that I was in this mess. I waited too long. Maryam, come back to me… I heard myself whisper. Why did it take me so damn long to realize that she was the only person I would ever want to marry? I cursed time for being such a good healer. Well, for her anyway. I, on the other hand, still found myself waking up in the middle of the night, calling out her name. Why couldn’t she wait for me? But I knew the answer to that question. She did wait, but I made her wait too long, and there was only so much she could hold on to before someone else showed her what she was missing out on and what she really deserved. He did. He swept her away and before I knew it, she agreed to marry him. I told myself that it wouldn’t be so bad, that she was just another girl, and I even believed it for a while, until I met Asma. She reminded so much of Maryam, so much that I saw exactly what I had lost in front of me. Maryam was just as lively as her, just as sweet, but she had more strength, more tolerance, and I found myself longing for her in Asma’s presence. But Sul6an was right. No matter how much I tried to convince myself that she wasn’t happy, there was nothing I could do about it. She was gone.

Asma

            What did he expect me to say? I was engaged to Rashid for crying out loud! Was he really going to blame me for something that was out of my control?

Me: “3bdulla… knt 5a6eebteh… Of course he saw me withou-”

            I suddenly heard a cynical laugh escape his hardened lips.

3bdulla: “Well that’s just splendid, Asma. Please, tell me the rest.”

            I hated his sarcasm.

Me: “What the hell is wrong with you? Are you really going to blame me for being forcefully engaged to Rashid? It was out of my control, and it’s not like I threw myself at him! I didn’t love him; I loved you!”

            Tears spilled from the corners of my eyes as I forced myself to hold his gaze.

Me: “And you weren’t there for me, but I still loved you, dammit! It was always you, 3bdulla… My heart belonged to you.”

            I started to sob and hated myself for it. Why was I getting so emotional?

3bdulla: “How can I be sure that this is how you still feel? How can I know that your feelings haven’t changed?”

            He spoke in a matter-of-fact tone, dropping the sarcasm. Was he unnerved by the sight of my tears, or disgusted by them? I wiped my eyes and frowned furiously, forcing my fresh coat of tears to remain intact.

Me: “And to think I… Uff, I just can’t do this anymore. You know how I feel about you 3bdulla, and I can’t believe that we’re having this conversation! I’m not going to explain myself for something that happened when you were gone.”

            Just as I turned to get off the bed, I glanced back at him, my eyes casting an accusation.

Me: “And just so you know, Rashid never loved me. He loves someone else. My question wasn’t in reference to myself, but as to whether you knew anything about this mystery girl. And the only time he ever saw me without my 3aba and shaila was that night when he tried to-”

            I couldn’t say it. The vivid memory came rushing back, and I bit my lip awfully hard to stop the tears from plunging down my hazy eyes, until I tasted trickles of blood on my tongue. Why was he making me recollect painful memories that were long behind us? I turned around, refusing to show him my face, and squared my slumped shoulders. Just as I started for the door, he whispered something into the tense air.

3bdulla: “You may see him as a brother, but he sees you as something much more.”

            And to think I thought he would apologize.

To be continued…