Beneath Guarded Hearts - 84

Previously…

Sul6an

Me: “Rashood? What’s going on with you?”

His face was hard and his fingers slightly dug into his palms.

Rashid: “Mashay.”

Me: “Rashid…”

I blazed a warning tone in my voice and he seemed to give up. He sighed heavily as his shoulders slumped, and for once the rigidness left his stiff back.

Rashid: “I still love her.”

__________________

Asma

            I lifted my fisted hand, about to knock the door to Sul6oon’s majlis to ask him if Rashid was mad at me, when I heard the four words that chilled the air in a dreadful silence.

Rashid: “I still love her.”

            I paused, my heart thumping hard against my chest. Confusion rippled through my brain as I searched for clues that could have made this statement possible, but found none. How could he love me? Wasn’t his role a mere façade to protect me? And what did he see in me? There were girls far prettier than I ever was, and he was extremely handsome. He could get any girl he wanted if he put in the effort and turned on his charm. He almost had me, if it weren’t for 3bdulla… I whispered to myself unconsciously. I clasped my palm over my lips in outrage. What did I just admit? Did I really even like him that way? I took two steps back and fled, afraid to hear any more. Maybe he wasn’t talking about me. Maybe I was just overthinking the whole thing. After all, I didn’t listen to the entire conversation. Yes, that must be it. I knew he loved someone, though. I knew it because he was so indifferent to consider the list of girls I had offered him when I tried to help him with his situation with his father. Maybe I can still offer some help. After all, I owe him so much I don’t even know where to begin. I turned around and knocked the door, this time a little more composed.

Sul6an: “Mno?!”

            Why did he sound angry?

Me: “Umm ana…”

Sul6an: “Come back later, we’re busy.”

            I sighed, knowing he would become angrier if I persisted. I would have to talk to Rashid another time, maybe when Sul6an wasn’t around. I made a mental note of it as I made my way to 3wash’s room, and the question I was supposed to ask Sul6an in the first place was forgotten.

Sul6an

            As soon as I heard Asma’s well-known footsteps descend away from the door, I turned my quizzical eyes back to Rashid.

Me: “I assume you’re not referring to my sister, am I correct?”

            He paused, as if unsure if the answer he gave me would be rewarded with a fist on his face. He replied reluctantly, almost appearing miserable.

Rashid: “No, not Asma. You know who I’m talking about.”

            I relaxed a little, my instincts once again proving to be correct.

Me: “Yes I do.”

Rashid: “Asma reminds me of her so much, the similarities are startling. Sometimes I feel like she is talking to me, looking at me through Asma’s eyes.”

            I spoke a little softer this time.

Me: “Rashid. She’s gone.”

            He sighed heavily and buried his face in his palms.

Rashid: “I know. I know she belongs to someone else, but she isn’t happy. I just know it!”

Me: “That’s not your concern. She made her decision.”

            He remained silent and slumped down on one of the sofas. He knew I was right. But only today did I realize how much he hated himself for not being able to let go. As if he had read my exact thoughts, he whispered with a despondent face.

Rashid: “When does it end?”

I sighed.

Me: “Lord knows. I’ll tell you when I find out.”

            He gave me a weak smile.

Rashid: “Still having nightmares about 3alya?”

Me: “No matter how hard I try, I can’t get her out of my head. How did we both end up with such heartless bitches?”

            He stretched his arms and leaned back in a deceivingly calm manner.

Rashid: “Serves us right, we played with more girls than I can begin to count.”

Me: “Oh shut up, we’re GUYS. At some point in our lives, we’re gonna chase after girls whether we like it or not. It’s not our fault. I’m just glad I got it out of my system in my earlier years.”

Rashid: “And you’re suffering the consequences of it in your later ones.”

            I scowled at him.

Me: “I do not and WILL not suffer anything for my past, least of all because of her!”

            He raised both hands in an innocent retreat.

Rashid: “Whatever you say, I was just making an observation.”

            I gave him a punch on his shoulder and stalked out of the room, cursing under my breath and vowing not to have another nightmare about her tonight. Over my dead body would I ever let her have that much control over me.

Asma

            I heard Sul6an’s footsteps stomping up the stairs and a hard clash of doorframes. So Rashid wasn’t sleeping over tonight, just as 3wash had predicted. I confided my suspicious to her and she told me that I hadn’t heard enough for her to make a proper judgment, but she did say that he probably wouldn’t stay the night.

Me: “Just a minute 7beeby, I’ll be right back okay?”

            3bdulla looked at me suspiciously then nodded.

3bdulla: “You’ll tell me later anyway.”

            I smiled, loving how he understood me so well and trusted me. I gave him a quick but generous kiss and left the room. I rushed down the stairs, hoping that Rashid hadn’t left yet. I caught him just as he was entering his car.

Me: “Rashid! La76’a!”

            He paused and turned, a surprised look donning his face as he took in the sight of me.

Rashid: “Shouldn’t you be sleeping?”

Me: “I was waiting for Sul6an to leave. I need to talk to you.”

            He sighed.

Rashid: “Asma, it’s very late. Go back to 3bdulla. We’ll talk later okay?”

Me: “But-”

            He shook his head, interrupting me.

Rashid: “Now’s not a good time. Later.”

            He turned his back to me and hopped into his car. I persisted.

Me: “Who is she?”

            He froze just he was about to turn his key to start his car.

Rashid: “What do you mean by that?”

Me: “I mean, who is the girl you love?”

His hand clenched hard around the steering wheel.

Rashid: “I don’t love anyone.”

Me: “I think you do.”

Rashid: “Think all you want. It doesn’t change the truth.”

Me: “Please tell me. Maybe I can help.”

Rashid: “You can’t. Nobody can. What’s done is done. Now go to sleep, Asma.”

Me: “No. I'm not moving until you tell me!”

Rashid: “Dammit it Asma, stop it! She doesn’t love me and she never will, because she chose someone else over me. Okay? Is that what you want to hear? Are you satisfied?”

            My words were choked up in my throat, and I couldn’t get anything out. The last thing he wanted was pity. I wanted to hug him and tell him that he deserved better and that he would find someone who would show him why it never worked out, but I couldn’t do that. I couldn’t get anything out with the way he was looking at me.

Me: “I’m sorry…”

            With tear-filled eyes, I turned around and ran back to the house. I vaguely heard something smash against metal, and then moments afterwards, the engine roared to life and he drove away. What had I done to earn such a hateful glare?

To be continued…

Beneath Guarded Hearts - 83

Previously…

Asma

He held back a little, his mixture of surprise and guilt too dominate against his desires. I kissed him deeper, made every cold cell in his body warm up to me, to trust me again, and I felt my old husband returning to me; the one who couldn’t lay his hands off of me, who smirked at my anger and teased me, who whispered endearments into my ears and made me feel beautiful in every sense. My 3bdulla came back to me.

___________

Asma

            The familiar scent of the trees of our front yard brought a smile to my lips. It felt good to be home. I was only going to be here for a few more days to satisfy mama’s conscience, then, naturally, I would go back to living with 3bdulla. I was starting my next semester in a week, but I didn’t worry about college too much as I sat outside, indulging in the taste of my iced pinna colada. The sun was close to setting, but it was still glowing beneath a mist of clouds when I heard footsteps drumming against the smooth marble stairs that lead to the house. Without turning my gaze, I smiled, knowing there was only one person who took such long, purposeful strides.

3bdulla: “Asamy! It’s almost sunset!”

            I grinned.

Me: “Right on time. Would you like to join me?”

3bdulla: “No…”

            I felt the air between us disappear, his warmth replacing it as he approached me. I looked up into his mischievous expression, a glossy layer of rich ruby reflecting from the corner of his eye as the sun started to drown into the earth. I grinned again.

Me: “Oh no mister, I know that look. What are you up to?”

3bdulla: “I am going to sweep you off your feet!”

            For a moment, I started to voice my puzzlement, but a bubble of laughter silenced my words as he lifted me up in his arms and glided towards his car.

Me: “Hahaha, 3bdulla, where are we going?!”

3bdulla: “How long has it been since you’ve seen a sunset in…”

             He suddenly stopped and looked up at the sky, a frown creasing into his smooth forehead.

3bdulla: “Mmm, ma banil7ag… And that is why I prepared a Plan B!”

            I smiled in silence, giving up on getting a decent answer out of him, especially when he was this excited about something. I snuggled into his warmth and chuckled.

Me: “Well then, sweep me away!”

            He took me to the rooftop of my house; my eyes were blindfolded at his insistence as he held my waist, guiding me up the stairs. I was starting to get suspicious, but in a good way. For once, though, I didn’t speak, didn’t ask any questions, didn’t even try to peak through my blindfold. For once, I let the mystery and thrill of the unknown take over me, and I felt a peaceful anxiousness as we descended up the last couple of steps. My back still facing him, he encircled his arms around me completely and leaned forward, whispering into my ear.

3bdulla: “We’re here…”

            He let go just for a couple of seconds as he removed the piece of silk wrapped around my head, and my eyes slowly welcomed the dim rays of light as tiny specks of flame flickered from vanilla scented candles. My heart lurched in delight, a sense of unexpected humbleness settling inside, and I leaned into his broad chest as he held me there, waiting for me to take in everything. The dump of a mess I had expected to see had been transformed into a beautiful makeshift of a picnic setting. Thick blankets of different colors brought the floor to life, and a large assortment of pillows of all kinds of sizes complimented them, scattered invitingly across the corners and the center of the floor. My eyes then spotted a bowl of mangoes, a basket of all kinds of chocolate, and a flask filled with flavor-enriched karak that I found awfully familiar.

Me: “Where did you get this?”

            I asked absentmindedly as I reached for the flask, admiring the traditional carvings on them and the hand-painted designs.

Me: “Where have I seen this before…”

3bdulla: “Your Grandmother lent it to me. She said it was your-”

Me: “Grandfather’s favorite…”

            I sensed his smile. I put the flask down and turned towards him, rewarding his little sentiment with a passionate kiss. As I broke the kiss slowly, I smiled and whispered hoarsely under my breath.

Me: “Come, we don’t want to miss the sunset.”

            He eased onto a big set of pillows and let my head rest on his chest, one of his arms lazily enclosing me, the other propped up under his head. I took in the masculine scent of him as I looked into the sky and shuddered as a light breeze teased my skin. He quickly wrapped one of the extra blankets around me and held me closer.

3bdulla: “I know it isn’t much, but-”

Me: “Shhh… don’t ruin the moment. Everything is perfect, just as it should be.”

            After a moment of stillness, a tear slid down my cheek as we both, for the first time, allowed ourselves to silently mourn for our lost daughter.

After 2 days…

Sul6an

            I parked my car in the driveway of our house as darkness filled the sky. Rashood was with me, and we had just come back from Ras al Khaima, a trip that was long overdue and had put off for way too long with the rest of our group of friends. It was nice a nice camping trip, and even though winter still hadn’t completely arrived, it was cool enough that we weren’t feeling suffocated by the adhesive humidity of Dubai’s summers. Travelling during the summer became common in Dubai for a reason.

            I smiled lazily at Rashid as I locked the car, and we headed into my majlis to clean up from the dusty roadtrip. We both took a shower and changed into a clean set of clothes. My mother was very clever with this room when it was in the process of being built. She wanted to make sure my friends felt welcome ad comfortable when they came to visit, and sometimes even sleep over, so she had made sure there were two bathrooms with showers, a huge fridge that was always filled with food, a dining table, and the list goes on. I don’t think she realized that all we really needed was a widescreen television, wireless network, and a place comfortable enough to sit in.

            Just as I was about to ask Rashid if he was staying over, Asma burst into the room, wrapped in a long patterned scarf that reached down to knees, followed by a very composed 3bdulla, and hugged me tightly.

Me: “Asma! What do you think you’re doing?”

3bdulla: “I told her Rashid was here, but she insisted. Actually, I don’t think she even listened-”

Asma: “Yalla 3ad it’s just Rashid, I really missed you!”

            She widened her eyes at me in an innocent expression, and I smiled and hugged her back.

Me: “Inzain yalla bas hal mara basam7ch, next time knock or dgy 3alaya, fahma?”

            She nodded with a bright smile, and turned to say hello to Rashid. He replied politely but was extremely formal, and I eyed him awkwardly as he acted like he had never spoken to her before. They were practically siblings! As Asma left the room, I stared at him expectantly, waiting for an explanation.

Rashid: “Sho?”

Me: “Balak? Why did you talk to her that way? You know how Asma overthinks kilshay. She’ll think that you were upset with her.”

Rashid: “3adee, ‘it’s just me.’”

            He said it mimicking Asma’s voice when she had referred to him earlier. There was a weird edge to his voice.

Me: “Rashood? What’s going on with you?”

            His face was hard and his fingers slightly dug into his palms.

Rashid: “Mashay.”

Me: “Rashid…”

            I blazed a warning tone in my voice and he seemed to give up. He sighed heavily as his shoulders slumped, and for once the rigidness left his stiff back.

Rashid: “I still love her.”

To be continued…

Beneath Guarded Hearts - 82

Previously…

3bdulla

I felt an aching longing as I battled down my urges to put my arms around her and whisper into her ears, have her sleep with the knowledge that I would be there when she would wake. But I couldn’t. For a while, I would have to put my desires aside and respect her wishes. I just hoped she wasn’t trying to bear through this alone.

___________

Asma

            My senses jolted awake at a soft shift of movements, but my eyes lay shut, my body unmoving, as I tried to take in my surroundings through my hearing. I didn’t want to wake up, didn’t want to accept what happened. But it had happened. And sooner or later, I would have to face everything and try to get past it. I had to be strong. If not for me, then for him. The man who stumbled against something and caught his breath, body frozen, his eyes now on my motionless form tucked under the bed sheets. Tears started to build up beneath my heavy lids, knowing how much he was suffering, how my shutting the world out was killing him. I couldn’t stop the frown from weaving into my face, and suddenly his warmth was next to me, his fingertips gently brushing loose strands of hair back from my face as he hushed me back to sleep. It’s alright, he whispered. My body shivered a little before it relaxed against him. For a moment, I forgot everything, all the pain, all the remorse, and I savored the shelter of being near him. I knew it wasn’t fair to him, and I desperately tried to cling on to some peace of mind, but his face kept appearing in my head. I opened my eyes, squinting against the dim light, trying to take in his features.

3bdulla: “No, it’s alright, go back to sleep. Everything’s fine…”

            I wanted to believe that, wanted nothing more than to fall back into a dreamless slumber, knowing that everything would be fine, but I couldn’t. Not anymore. I had to stop being so selfish. I unwrapped my arms that encircled my pillow and steadied myself as I propped my body up into a sitting position. My hair slightly fell over my face, and he leaned forward and tucked it back, giving me an unsure smile.

3bdulla: “I’m sorry I woke you up, 7abeebty. I can leave if you want me to.”

            That did it. I started to sob, mumbling I’m sorry over and over again. He wrapped his arms around me and rocked me back and forth, telling me that it was all right, and that there was nothing to be sorry about. When I calmed down, he held my face in his palms and looked at me timidly.

3bdulla: “I’m sorry I couldn’t be there for you the way you needed me to.”

            How was it that he was the one mouthing my exact thoughts? Shouldn’t the situation be reversed?

Me: “You? I’m the one who should be sorry!”

3bdulla: “No, don’t say that.”

Me: “But I will. I have to, or else I’ll go mad. I love you 3bdulla, and I’m sorry I pushed you away…”

3bdulla: “But that was a natural reaction, given that… that it was my fault…”

            He turned away, unable to hold my gaze, his body stiffening. I didn’t respond, not believing what I was hearing. What was he saying? How was this his fault? Before I could utter my confusion, he looked back at me, desperation reflecting off of his eyes.

3bdulla: “I’m so sorry Asma, that I put you through this, that I was so careless! I don’t know if you’ll ever be able to forgive me, but I can’t… I can’t imagine life without you. Please don’t leave me. I promise you, we’ll get through this! I promise…”

            I slipped my arms around his neck, hugged him tight and gently massaged his tense muscles until he began to relax. I turned to face him, planted a kiss on each one of his eyes, and managed a smile.

Me: “3bdulla… how is this in any way your fault? Hatha mn Allah, 8adar Allah w ma sha2 fi3al. Sho hal kalam?”

            He seemed unconvinced somehow.

3bdulla: “But I… I'm the one who left the water open… if it weren’t for me, you wouldn’t have slipped, wouldn’t have-”

            I placed my finger over his lips, silencing him.

Me: “You don’t know what would’ve happened. Maybe something worse was going to happen to me, and God’s mercy replaced it with this. Everything happens for a reason.”

            His rising hysteria started to succumb, but he was still uncertain of himself.

3bdulla: “But Asma…”

Me: “But nothing. I’m not the only one who lost a child; you did too. We’re both going through this, but we have to deal with it together.”

3bdulla: “I don’t know if I can.”

Me: “Yes you can. 3bady… this isn’t your fault. Did you hear me?”

            I took his face in my palms and forced him to look back at me.

Me: “This isn’t anyone’s fault.”

            I whispered intently and waited for him to take it in. He finally moved his face in a reluctant nod underneath my hands. I had to be strong for him. I shut him out for too long. I smiled genuinely before I sealed his lips with mine. He held back a little, his mixture of surprise and guilt too dominate against his desires. I kissed him deeper, made every cold cell in his body warm up to me, to trust me again, and I felt my old husband returning to me; the one who couldn’t lay his hands off of me, who smirked at my anger and teased me, who whispered endearments into my ears and made me feel beautiful in every sense. My 3bdulla came back to me.

To be continued…

Beneath Guarded Hearts - 81

Previously…

3bdulla

There was a deadly stillness, the kind you feel right before an earthquake emerges. I rushed back inside. Sul6an was literally red as he argued with the doctor, towering over him, and then there was sudden silence. Sul6an’s eyes widened, unblinking, his shoulders slumping down, his skin suddenly pale.

Sul6an: “What did you say?”

The doctor backed away, as if in danger of a predator about to go for the kill.

Doctor: “Ms. Asma is alright, but…”

The relief swept through me as fast as it left me. But? I marched up to him, a new panic evading me.

Me: “But what?!”

Doctor: “Sir, I am very sorry, but we couldn’t save the baby.”

_________

Asma

I woke up to a faint beeping noise stuttering into my right ear, and I shuffled in my place. I felt needles stretching into the skin at the back of my hand, and I couldn't reach up to scratch my drowsy eyes awake, the needle biting into my nerves with every sudden movement. I focused instead on opening my eyes. I can hear voices around me, but I can't make out what's being said. What happened to me? Then the memory of the previous night started drowning in.

My baby.

My eyelids flung open and I sat upright on the hospital bed, the needles sinking deeper into my veins as I rested my weight on my palms, but I didn't care, didn't even feel the sting.

Me: “My child.. Where's my baby!”

I was shaking, panic evading me. I prayed to God that last night was only an illusion, a very bad dream. I saw my family around me, the sympathy in their eyes, the wordless confirmation they held. I looked frantically for 3bdulla, but he wasn't there.

Me: “Wain 3bdulla?!”

Everyone seemed to be at a loss of words. Either that, or I didn’t give them enough time to answer, prattling again.

‘Yesterday was just a very bad dream…’ I told myself. I sighed, but there was still no comfort filling my chest. In fact, I felt very… hollow.

Me: “Where is he? He must be with the baby… In the ICU, right? Thinking of names for our beautiful little girl? Why isn't anyone telling him to come to me? Someone please call him…”

More silence. I was trying to calm myself down, but the faces around me weren't promising. My mother nodded towards Sul6an and he left the room. The whole time, he refused to look at me. Then, the rest of my family started to leave as my mother approached me. For some reason, I didn’t want to have a private talk with her.

Me: “No, please stay! You all are more than welcome!”

They all mumbled out their excuses as they took their leave. My mother looked at me with such sadness that I started to tear up. I knew what she was about to say, knew she was trying to be strong for me.

But I wouldn’t believe it. God would never be that cruel. My child must have survived, just like I did. I needed 3bdulla to tell me that. Where was he?

Mama: “Asma, sweetie… you need to listen to me.”

Me: “NO I don’t mama, what I need is to see 3bdulla! So that he can tell me that everything’s fine, that our daughter is healthy and well.”

            The hope I was desperately clinging on to was fading away, turning into a mirage of water that would never satisfy my thirst. Because it was never there.

Me: “Mama, please tell me that everything’s fine… Mama?”

            I tried to ignore that look in her eyes, but the answer blazed in their deep chocolate tint as she started to tear up. I saw the truth. I saw death. I saw no baby girl, crying for her mother’s arms. All of that was now just… just an illusion, one that would never come true.

I hugged her tightly and started to sob against her shoulders, my entire body trembling. I heard her mumbling, “It's okay, it's okay,” in a continuous soothing voice, but my skin felt icy cold against her gentle touch. I felt no soothing; I only felt pain. After a long time of her rocking me back and forth in her arms, my sobs turned into silent tears, and I slowly let go of her.

Me: “Mama, I need to be alone.”

She nodded in understanding and slowly started to leave.

Mama: “Do you still want me to call for 3bdulla?”

3bdulla. How could I possibly face him after this? How would I act in front of him? I was such a wreck and I couldn't let him see me like this. I had to gain control over my emotions, try to accept that what has happened was for the best, and I couldn't do that with him around. I needed to be alone with God to look up to for guidance.

Me: “No, just tell him I need some time.”

She nodded and left the room, and I frowned at the white, hospital walls that were supposed to make patients feel at ease. But I only felt choked up, and I wanted to get out of this place. I wanted to pray under an open, midnight sky, far away from the city lights, far away from this ugly mess that had befallen me. I started to get up, but a wave of dizziness flooded my head and I had to lie back down. The crying itself was exhausting and I had little strength left to make any major movements, so I cuddled up under the thin sheets and waited until sleep had taken over me, praying that I would have an undisturbed, dreamless slumber.

3bdulla

            I heard rough footsteps from behind me but ignored it, knowing the familiar thuds belonged to Sul6an.

Me: “Go away.”

Sul6an: “I’m not here to talk, just to deliver. She’s asleep now, if you want to see her for a while, get some peace.”

Me: “I will never have peace. She didn’t deserve this. WE didn’t deserve this.”

            But even as I said it, I was already considering taking him up on his offer. I needed to see Asma, so desperately.

Me: “Lead the way.”

            Under normal circumstances, Sul6an would usually smirk, making sure I didn’t miss the fact that he was ‘always’ right. But tonight was different. Tonight, his eyes were swept of humor and turned dark and vacant. I realized he could almost be as miserable as I was. But I knew he never would be. No one could ever know how broken I was, and Lord knew how I could ever heal from this. But I had to hold myself together, for Asma if not for me. She needed her husband. In a way, I felt that she had lost more in more ways than I could ever imagine, so you would understand my need to see her face asleep, at ease, in another world that wasn’t as cruel as this one.

Sul6an: “We’re here. Be extra quiet. You know how much of a light sleeper she is.”

            I nodded and he left. I stared at the crack that was still open through the door. Could I be quiet enough? Could I stand to refrain from any temptations to hold her in my arms and comfort her? I had to. She needed her sleep, and this momentary time of peace was the least that I could give her. I very carefully tiptoed my way in and turned to face my wife. Tears sprung from my eyes at the sight of her. She was cuddled up in a ball, her knees raised up to her face and her one arm laying straight on the mattress and partly hanging loosely at the edge of the bed, because of the needles I would imagine. Coats of fresh tears were still glowing on the pale curve of her cheeks in the dim light, and her eyebrows were squashed together in a miserable frown. Her other arm was curved in a half circle as she hugged the invisible air, and then I realized that her pillow wasn’t with her tonight. I made a mental note to make sure she would have it for tomorrow night, and any nights to follow. After all, she needed to cuddle something now that I wasn’t in bed with her. I felt an aching longing as I battled down my urges to put my arms around her and whisper into her ears, have her sleep with the knowledge that I would be there when she would wake. But I couldn’t. For a while, I would have to put my desires aside and respect her wishes. I just hoped she wasn’t trying to bear through this alone.

To be continued…