Beneath Guarded Hearts - 93

Previously…

His game finished sooner than I had anticipated. I put on a composed expression as he walked towards me and climbed over the bed. He held my face and wiped my dampened cheeks gently, and I could see a hidden grin on his face as he clasped his lips tightly together. I sat very still as I enjoyed the simple but loving caress.

3bdulla: “We need to talk, you know…”

Me: “Yeah, I know.”

___________________

Asma

            I always hated confrontations.

3bdulla: “Asma… the way you acted was wrong. A wife should be supportive of her husband.”

            Support? That’s what he’s upset about? I stared at him dazedly without a word.

3bdulla: “And you acted like an immature teenager and you made it all about yourself.”

            I clenched my fists. Now he was putting the whole blame on me?

Me: “I’m sorry. I don’t know what came over me.”

            He widened his eyes in surprise. I kept my fists clenched and bit my lip. I didn’t want to make it any worse.

3bdulla: “You’re not sorry.”

            He reached for my hidden knuckles under the blanket and brought them to the surface. He unclenched my hands and held them closely within his grasp.

3bdulla: “I’m listening. Please talk to me.”

            I took in a deep breath. I had to force myself to voice my jumbling thoughts.

Me: “3bdulla…”

            But I couldn’t.

Immature teenager… all about yourself… way you acted was wrong…

What about what he did?

Me: “I said I was sorry.

Am I already a terrible wife to him? Did I not have the right to be angry?

3bdulla: “I don’t want a meaningless apology. Asma, just talk to me…”

            I looked away, dropping my gaze.

Me: “A marriage is supposed to be about compromise, respect and understanding. I’m not the only one at fault here.”

3bdulla: “I know.”

            I looked up at him and met a smiling face.

Asma: “Then why are you putting the whole blame on me?”

I was surprised at how calm I was. I tried to keep a straight face to avoid bursting into tears in front of him. I didn’t want to give him more reason to think that I was a childish girl who couldn’t handle situations in a mature manner.

3bdulla: “I don’t blame you. I’m only trying to push you to communicate. I need you to trust that you can talk to me.”

            I remained silent and bit my teeth hard. My jawline tensed and I could feel myself starting to shiver.

Me: “Mhmm… I just want us to make decisions together. I want you to see me as your equal, not more, not less. That’s all I want.”

3bdulla: “Okay then, it’s settled. I won’t do it again.”

            He cupped my right cheek with his left hand and kissed my forehead.

Me: “Just like that?”

3bdulla: “We’re both adults Asma. I think we can both resolve a problem rationally, don’t you agree?”

            I nodded, feeling ashamed.

Me: “I’m sorry I wasn’t supportive of you.”

3bdulla: “It’s okay 7bibty. Now what do you want to do about bu’6abi?”

Me: “It’s okay, we’ll move there if that’s what you want.”

3bdulla: “Are you sure?”

            I think I decided that I wanted to move there with him before we even had this conversation. I smiled then and hugged him.

Me: “Yeah, I’m sure! I’ll be done with uni by then anyway.”

3bdulla: “Inzain. I picked out an apartment, just like you told me… the location is an hour closer to Dubai though, so I thought that would make it a little easier for you. But if you don’t like it, we can always look for someplace else.”

Me: “No, it sounds great! Can you take me to see it next weekend?”

3bdulla: “Of course.”

Me: “Okay then! Yalla I have to sleep, I have to wake up early bacher-”

            He suddenly put both his arms around me and dragged me down with him as his head settled on the pillows.

3bdulla: “You really didn’t think you could just have a fight with me and get away with it, did you?”

            He grinned arrogantly and reached over and kissed my jaw. I felt shivers crawl up my spine and brushed my lips over his, missing the fervor of his dominating mouth. I felt at peace, knowing that I had the most amazing person by my side.

Sul6an

            I looked straight past my computer screen at work as my new assistant walked in. I had told my trustee, Omar, to find me someone new who was capable of handling pressure and I didn’t list any other specifications. No bias with their gender, experience, age or past. I just wanted anyone who could meet up to my expectations. Anyone except her, of course.

Me: “OMAR!”

            She jumped in shock the instant she heard my voice. She stood very still, a frozen statue hoping to be overlooked. Omar came rushing in.

Omar: “HA SHO ESTWA?”

            I gave him a few seconds to recover his breath before I spoke again.

Me: “Close the door behind you.”

            I purposefully glanced right into her eyes as I said the last word, making sure she knew that she had caught my attention. She shrunk back and bit her lip, agitated.

Omar: “What happened?”

Me: “OF ALL PEOPLE, you couldn’t find anyone but her?!”

Omar: “Umm… whom are we talking about exactly?”

Me: “My new assistant!”

Omar: “Oh! You mean Ms. Alia?”

I grit my teeth with loathing as he said her name, waiting for him to explain himself.

Omar: “Oh, well… umm… you see, you said… umm… you said you didn’t care about personal details as long as they met up to the standards you gave me…”

Me: “So you assumed that just because I didn’t openly state it, I would take in a slut as my assistant?”

            He widened his eyes in shock.

Omar: “Umm… Sul6an… She’s a really good-”

Me: “There’s nothing good about that person standing outside. Please show her to the door.”

            I turned to my computer and shifted my focus back to work, automatically and silently dismissing him. Just as he turned his back and walked out of my office, heading towards her, I briefly looked up and caught her miserable expression. She looked like she was pleading Omar and for one brief second, my heart gave a hard kick out of nowhere. I frowned reflexively when I saw Omar rush back in, Alia’s feet still glued to the same place.

Omar: “Um, Sul6an… tba etramisk…”

            I raised a brow at him, questioning why he didn’t follow my direct orders. I looked back at her, her eyes fixed on the floor, and I thought, same old manipulative Alia. I had to deal with her myself, then.

Me: “Send her in.”

To be continued…

Beneath Guarded Hearts - 92

Previously…

Asma

I would never shame my 3bdulla or give cause to think that he’s given me a reason not to trust him. I love him. Maybe this was just one last sacrifice I had to make in order to be happy with him. But then again, how could he be so selfish?

_________________

3bdulla

Me: “Great, I’m definitely interested in this one! I’ll give you call and confirm my final decision. Thank you.”

            I made my way out of the spacious apartment and headed towards my car. I was very happy with this apartment because it was better for Asma. Its location may be a little far from my workplace but its much closer to Dubai. That way Asma won’t have to drive an extra hour. It wasn’t much but it was the best I could think of. I knew she was upset and I was startled by her unexpected reaction, but I really wish she had been here with me today. We were supposed to do this together. Why couldn’t she be more supportive of me? The only reason I worked so hard to get the job was so that I could support her and, inshalla in the future, our family. I have to be responsible and she has to be considerate of that. Maybe 3wash can talk some sense into her. Her recommendation of me helped a lot when I applied for the job and she understood why I wanted to guarantee that I would get it. Yes, I’ll text her and see if she can talk to Asma.

To: 3wash (Mobile)

Hi 3wash, Asma’s upset about the new job you helped me with. She doesn’t understand why I need it so can you please talk to her?

From: 3wash (Mobile)

Seriously? You’re an adult now, deal with your own problems! Ana may5e9ny fel salfa :)

            I frowned and deleted the message, wondering how to fix this issue. In a way she was right, but I won’t admit I was wrong for not telling Asma about it because she should have been supportive either way. I started the engine and thought of a way to discuss this with her without angering her yet without apologizing. I won’t apologize just to please her; she needs to know that she was also wrong.

Asma

            Was I overdramatic? I wanted to call Noufyy and confess everything to her. I wanted to get her advice but I couldn’t bring myself to do it. Discussing personal matters between 3bady and I with others felt wrong, somewhat like a betrayal of trust. I continued walking in the mamsha, this time picking up my pace as I thought everything through. I was a young adult and I had to deal with this rationally and responsibly. Maybe I let my anger get to me, maybe-

“OMG ASMAA!”

            I stopped mid-thought and looked up, wondering who was at the mamsha at this hour. People usually went after Maghreb prayer, so I intentionally go after Isha prayer 3shan a5ith ra7ty. I mentally groaned as I saw who was coming towards me. She was none other than the famous Nada, my best friend from my old secondary school. A pool of memories swarmed through me as I remembered everything I had gone through with her and smiled. I was glad that we weren’t friends anymore and had gone our separate ways. I still cared about her for reasons even I didn’t know myself, still found myself including her in my prayers every now and then. I guess I just always wanted the best for her and still haven’t seen it happen. Maybe I don’t know what’s best for her but I certainly know that our friendship was a disaster. Sometimes, pairing opposites together doesn’t make them appreciate each other’s differences; it makes their differences a barrier. That was something I didn’t understand back then and I had tried to influence her countless times to be a better person. I realized too late, after I had been lied to and put through hell, that she didn’t want to change and nothing I could do would make a difference. So, after she admitted who she really was to me, I accepted her wholeheartedly but I never trusted her again, not after everything she put me through. She wasn’t the person I thought she was and that was okay. We were just different.

Me: “Nada! Ahlaaain sh7alch?”

            As she stepped closer, I saw her wearing a snuggly tight tracksuit and an iPod and phone in hand, one earplug lazily swinging down as she removed it from her ear. She smiled at me warmly. Her appearance hadn’t changed much.

Nada: “Zaainh al7emdilla! It’s been so long since I’ve seen you.”

            I hugged her tightly and said that I missed her, and I realized that it was the truth. I had missed her. All things aside, we used to have lots of fun together.

Me: “How’s your family doing? Which college are you in a7eena?”

Nada: “My brother recently went abroad to finish his studies and everyone’s well al7emdilla. I'm currently in Zayed University studying Visual Arts.”

            We both smiled at that and I was genuinely happy for her because I knew that we both wanted to study art in college. I may have decided to take it as a minor course but still, I was glad to see that we were both doing what we enjoyed.

Me: “I think that’s really great nadooy, I really do. So how are you putting up with your last year?”

Nada: “It’s going really well and I’m going to miss all of my friends, but they’re putting a lot of pressure on the seniors so it’s been a little stressful. How about you? Where are you studying?”

Me:  “I’m in AUS and I’m studying Mechanical Engineering. The last year has been really tough so I barely have time to go out. But I really enjoy it and I can’t wait to start working!”

Nada: “Wow, Mechanical Engineering? Isn’t that a guy’s major?”

            And there we go again. I’ve heard that notion more times than I could even count and from almost everyone. Truth be told, I didn’t care. I wanted to do this and I didn’t let anyone discourage me.

We continued walking together in the mamsha as I explained to her the passion behind my academic choice, and she nodded in understanding. I opened up a few more subjects and then bid her goodbye as I continued in a faster pace. She matured and changed a lot since I last saw her and I was glad for that. However, I was happy that she didn’t ask about 3bdulla. I think I would have fumed with anger because I knew that there was “history” between them and I didn’t like to be reminded of it. It was a long time ago so I shrugged it off and trailed back to my train of thought of how to handle my current issue. We needed to talk it through and I think we both knew that.

In a way, I was happy that I saw Nada tonight because it made me realize that it wasn’t like me to react the way I did with 3bdulla. I shouldn’t have been defensive and I usually am not like that. I stretched a grin as I remembered what I used to tell myself when I was dealing with Nada’s dramas. People come into your life for a reason and they leave for a reason. Perhaps Nada served as a reminder of the lessons I’ve learned. I had simply forgotten until her presence reminded me of them.

***

            I relished the calm sensation I always felt whenever I took a hot shower, and I stayed under the running water a couple of extra minutes before I stepped out. I slipped into one my favorite pajamas – an exclusive one manufactured by Marvel with all of their comic heroes printed on it – rolled the towel around my head and put on my robe. I avoided 3bdulla when I came back from the mamsha and ran straight to the shower, trying with a failed attempt to calm the butterflies in my stomach. I always hated confrontations and was terrible at them, hence the reason behind my anxiety. I emerged from the bathroom and walked silently towards the living room where I heard a muffled noise. Just as I stepped in I saw that 3bdulla was watching a game. There was no point in talking to him now. He would just become annoyed and would tell me to stop bothering him. I knew how guys were with football. I sighed as I glanced at his fixed gaze on the TV and turned to walk away.

3bdulla: “Asma.”

            I stopped and turned around, astonished that he had even noticed my presence.

Me: “Hmm?”

3bdulla: “Bi’3aity shay?”

Me: “3ady it can wait. Continue your game, I wouldn’t want you to miss anything.”

            I smiled and left the room still smiling. I realized then how much I missed him, his teasing me and playing with my hair. We had been formal with each other for days now and I could bear it no longer. I wanted to cuddle with him at night, not stay on our separate ends of the bed. I opened my hair and let it air dry as I grabbed my book and slipped into bed, waiting for his game to finish. Tonight we were going to fix things and I was anxious for the worst to be done with and excited for things to go back to the way they should be. I turned the page over and got engrossed into my book.

            “No!” he whispered, and then his voice rose to a tormented shout. “No, damn you! Don’t tell me that–!”

            “Jason­–“

            “Don’t you dare tell me that!” he shouted in agony.

            Mike Farrell spoke, but he turned his head away from the unbearable torment on the other man’s ravaged face. “Her horse threw her off the bridge into the river, about four miles from here. O’Malley went in after her, but he couldn’t find her. He–“

            “Get out,” Jason whispered

            “I’m sorry, Jason. Sorrier than I can say.”

            “Get out!”

            When Mike Farrell left, Jason stretched his hand toward Victoria’s cloak, his fingers slowly closing on the wet wool, pulling it toward him. The muscles at the base of his throat worked convulsively as he brought the sodden cloak to his chest, stroking it lovingly with his hand, and then he buried his face in it, rubbing it against his cheek. Waves of agonizing pain exploded through his entire being, and the tears he had thought he was incapable of shedding fell from his eyes. “No,” he sobbed in demented anguish. And then he screamed it.

           

Me: “But she’s alive, she hasn’t died!”

            I muffled a whimpered whisper under my breath as I turned the page over, tears falling from my eyes. Just as I was about to start the next chapter, I heard a soft noise coming from the door. I looked up and saw 3bdulla leaning against one of the columns, watching me intently. I quickly wiped the few tears I had shed and closed the book, feeling extremely vulnerable. When he didn’t say anything, I laughed at myself and said, “stupid book…” in an attempt to conceal my embarrassment. This was the first time he saw me getting emotional over a fictional story. I hadn’t wanted him to know about this part of me, at least not until later perhaps. His game finished sooner than I had anticipated. I put on a composed expression as he walked towards me and climbed over the bed. He held my face and wiped my dampened cheeks gently, and I could see a hidden grin on his face as he clasped his lips tightly together. I sat very still as I enjoyed the simple but loving caress.

3bdulla: “We need to talk, you know…”

Me: “Yeah, I know.”

To be continued…

Beneath Guarded Hearts - 91

Previously…

3bdulla: “If you really want to know that bad, I’ll tell you. But you have to promise me that you won’t freak out.”

My eyes widened in surprised curiosity as he shook his head. I felt the excitement accelerate up my spine, and my smile widened into a childish grin. I nodded again, waiting for him to spill the ‘surprise.’

Me: “I promise.”

_________________

Asma

            I waited. I bit my lower lip, trying to contain the excitement. What could it be? My hands trembled as I clasped them together in a round fist, itching to break free and shake the answer out of him. I noticed a contained smile on his face.

3bdulla: “I got a new job.”

            I blinked as I let the words sink in.

Me: “What? What new job?”

3bdulla: “Well I don’t start until a few months but it’s in Bu6’abi.”

Me: “Bu6’abi.”

            I repeated, trying to figure out how this was supposed to be a surprise for me.

3bdulla: “Ya! That’s what I wanted to tell you; we’re moving there!”

Me: “What? We’re moving?”

            He had a smug expression on and waited for me, assuming I was still in shock. Well, I was in shock but not the good kind. How could he simply make that decision without me? Where would we live? What about college? It’s too far away for me to drive everyday from there! Did he even think this through? Did he take my point of view into consideration?

3bdulla: “Yep. It’s closer to work and we can come back during the weekends and spend them together or with family. It’ll be great! I already have this really nice apartment in mind and I want to take you one day to see it-”

Me: “Wait, wait! You already picked out an apartment? When did you even decide this?”

3bdulla: “When I was first told that I go the job. Why, what’s wrong?”

Me: “What’s wrong? What about what I want? What about me, your WIFE? I’d have to drive two hours every single morning to get to college, and drive back another two hours to get back!”

3bdulla: “Um awal shay, you will have graduated by the time we moved so you wont have to drive two hours back and forth. Thani shay, so what if you had to? Your sister has a job there and drives from Dubai to Abu Dhabi every single day. I don’t see why you can’t do it either…”

Me: “3bdulla! Are you serious right now?”

3bdulla: “Sho mshkiltich inzain? I’ll hire a driver for you if you really don’t ‘feel like’ driving.”

Me: “What are you implying, that I’m lazy? I don’t need a driver! That’s not what it’s about.”

3bdulla: “Then what’s your problem? Stop being so dramatic Asma it’s not that big of a deal.”

Me: “It is when you go off making decisions like that on your own. You are unbelievable! Ya3ni don’t I get a say in it? Am I supposed to just follow you everywhere like a puppy?”

3bdulla: “Fine, you know what? Stay. Ana may5e9ny.”

Me: “What do you mean ‘stay?’ What about you?”

3bdulla: “I told you. I’m moving to AD. Whether you want to join me or not is up to you.”

Me: “3bady, stop being childish and discuss it with me. Mayestwee che!”

3bdulla: “No, it’s simple. Either you want to come with me or you don’t. If you really want to Asma, you’d find a way to compromise.”

            Compromise? He was telling me about compromise? Why was it that I was always the one expected to compromise? Weren’t we supposed to be equals? I shut my mouth and refused to say the puddle of phrases waiting to burst out at the tip of my tongue, all of which I knew I’d regret saying. Yet again, it was all the truth, but I kept it in and contained the anger in my voice.

Me: “Okay.”

***

            Selfish. That was the word that was being overstated in the thoughts my mind would put together. How could he be so selfish? I told him to go ahead and choose an apartment without me and then when he finally decides to move in, I’d tell him my choice. What was worse was that I started remembering every single time I compromised for him, every single time I brushed things off because I loved him. Now I knew that it was every little thing he didn’t care enough to notice. I didn’t mind and I liked being an obedient and complacent wife but this wasn’t something small. Moving was a decision couples made together. I would be far away from all my family, especially my brother. I know I haven’t seen him much these days because he’s busy with Baba’s company but there was always that prospect that he was there and close by should I ever need him. In some ways, I trusted him more than I did my own husband but I would never tell him that. I would never shame my 3bdulla or give cause to think that he’s given me a reason not to trust him. I love him. Maybe this was just one last sacrifice I had to make in order to be happy with him. But then again, how could he be so selfish?

To be continued…