Beneath Guarded Hearts - 40

Previously…

3bdulla

I watched her dash through the isles with slashed eyes, looking back on the day when I could have stopped this, could have prevented this. I knew it would hurt her, but I didn’t know Nada was her best friend. This was beyond any hurt I could imagine. And knowing asma, she was scarred. To her deepest cores. She would hate me. And there was nothing I could do about it.

_______________

Asma

            I didn’t see much of 3bdulla or hear about him after we came back from our holiday, because he was planning to travel to New York after rm6’an. And Rashid was frequently busy with his father’s company, to my relief. So yes, al7emdilla, my life felt a little normal and no boy drama. It sort of felt like the way it used to be before I had stumbled into 3bdulla at their house that day, and all hell broke loose after that. I knew it was like my punishment, for answering back to his texts, for enjoying the feel of his touch sometimes, for playing along with his jokes and flirts. I did this to myself. And now I had to suffer the consequences. ‘Because we live in reality, and reality has consequences…’ I looked back on the day of our kitchen encounter, a moment I had dreamt about far more times than I could even count. As my senior year approached its end, and with 3bdulla gone, my life had become much quieter. By quieter, I meant in the sense of having no dramas. I wasn’t quiet at all, in fact. I went back to being the hyper Asma everyone knew, the one who was obsessed with chocolates and loved to dance just for the fun of it. It was like that awful summer had never even happened, like I had never shed a tear for someone called 3bdulla. But deep down I knew it wasn’t true. Because even though it wasn’t that often, he would still invade my dreams sometimes, and I would still remember his eyes when I would spot a star.

But I didn’t let him affect me. I picked myself up, and I moved forward, and I can proudly say that I felt humble and accomplished at the same time when my graduation day came. Noufyy was leaping with joy, barely able to hold herself from the excitement. She had a little too much make-up on, but it was nothing compared to my sister, the grim reaper. No, my Noufyy was beautiful, and I loved her to my deepest cores. And right then, at that very moment, I realized that she was my friend for life, not the kind of friend that comes and goes. I hope we both get accepted into AUS! I can’t imagine going through college without her pranks, her encouragements, and her bad influence that, I’ll admit, I sometimes let it get to me to have a little fun.

            I stood by the speaker, a little anxious about giving my speech, but other than that happy. But when I opened my mouth nothing came out, because I saw him in the midst of the crowd, staring right into my eyes. 3bdulla.

It’s been so long, so long that I almost forgot how it felt like to be in his presence, or how my heartbeat was too fast when I knew that he was near. His gaze held mine, daring me to break it, and I glanced briefly at the papers in front of me to remember the words of the speech I had known by heart. But his strong presence made me forget what I was about to say, where I was, how to read. 3bdulla. My heart beat with longing as my mind repeated his name. He’s here. Now. At my graduation. How? Why? But it doesn’t matter. He’s here. He’s here! I almost smiled in helpless joy as my eyes started to water, and I began my speech, my voice betraying the thudding pulse behind my ear. I didn’t look at him the whole time, afraid that one look would break my composure. When I finished, I looked up into the crowd to find him, and he smiled at me as he clapped with the rest of audience. He nodded in approval and gave me a wink, and if my blush could have risen any higher, it would have. I sheepishly went back to my seat and Noufyy stared at me with narrowed eyes.

Noufyy: “What was that?”

            I gave her an innocent look, but I gave up and blurted out everything in glee, barely able to contain my delight.

Me: “Noufyy you won’t believe it. He’s here! RIGHT here, at my graduation. He smiled at me, Noufyy he came back for me why else would he be here? He’s even more amazing than I remember him. Aww Noufyy walla I missed him so much! I-”

            I stopped when I saw the look on her face.

Me: “What?”

Noufyy: “Are you seriously asking me that?”

Me: “Shoo!”

Noufyy: “Asma! What’s wrong with you? Do you even remember inh el mafroo6’ itkoonen m7arja 3alaih? Wain sarat el bnt ele galatly bayshoof yom bayrid, baraweeh iny ma a7taja, ba8hara elain ma ma y8dar ysta7mil? What happened to you? Inzain, ya your graduation, so what? Yay in respect of your father.  I think you’re just in shock, and don’t worry this feeling will go away ba3d shwaya, bas DON’T approach him until it does! You’ll be drooling all over him w you won’t even know it, and he’ll take satisfaction that even when he hurt you, you still want him. Do you want that a7eena? Tbaina yshoofch chee? No, I didn’t think so. Yalla bassch frowning you know I’m right.”

            She smiled at me with reassuring eyes, and I took comfort in her expression. I slipped a few tears as she gave me a big hug. The worst thing was, I knew that she was right. And I knew that, even after all this time, I still hadn’t learned my lesson. I still loved him. But I wouldn’t show him that.

3bdulla

            I couldn’t have asked to be anywhere else but right here, right now. Asma. Mar wayed wagt, w 7sait inh zad akthar 3an sina, bas it doesn’t matter; I finally saw her. My Asma. My little smurf. She blossomed into a beauty; she was even more beautiful than I remembered!

New York changed me a lot, but not the way I felt about her. Or at least, that’s what I was starting to discover. I was startled by my rapturous reaction to the sight of her. Why did I leave? Why didn’t I just drop out? I found myself asking brainless questions when I realized that I had wasted a whole year without her. Everything I accomplished felt meaningless, because I couldn’t accomplish winning her heart. And then I remembered that I didn’t deserve to. Still. The thought made me feel as if something was missing in my life, and that truly, only she could fill this unknown emptiness. I instantly remembered Rashid and my back stiffened. How was their relationship? Were they seeing each other frequently? How does she feel about him? How does she feel about me? I decided that this was useless, standing in a corner and watching her smile with friends and family, while my mind was stuck in an endless thread of unwanted questions. Her face changed when she checked something on her blackberry, but only for a second. She gathered her composure immediately, but I had already seen her. She suddenly excused herself and headed towards the bathroom, but she didn’t enter. When no one was looking, she continued down the hallway and went outside. But I was looking. And I was starting to become very curious. Hai wain sayra?

I found myself following her, unable to resist the urge, but I was careful not to be noticed or to make it obvious. Especially not to her. She was heading to the parking lot. I kept on her trails, my figure like a shadow behind her, blended into the darkness. Where on earth was she going? I noticed a shape moving in front of her. There was someone else here. Who could it be? Why were they meeting here? It’s not safe broo7ha in the parking lot at night! Well, I was with her, bas she doesn’t know that! Is this how she was meeting people a7eena? Felail in somewhere deserted or somewhere that is too far for people to listen to her cries if she needed help? I resisted hauling her back in with every nerve in my body. I wanted to listen. What’s with all this secrecy?

Asma: “Why are you here? I thought I made it very clear that I didn’t want anything to do with you.”

“You said DURING graduation. Ma gelty ay shay 3an after.”

            I clenched my fists. ‘Rashid’ I hissed through my teeth.

Asma: “Allah ya5th ebleesik just stop it ! Let me have my life, let me be ME for once without having to worry about you ruining everything!”

Rashid: “Nobody knows, do they?”

Asma: “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

Rashid: “Oh, bas I think you do. You know EXACTLY what I’m talking about. Maybe it’s time everyone knew why you suddenly want nothing to do with me after the first couple of months.”

Asma: “Rashid. That’s enough.”

            There was a warning edge in her tone that threatened to cut the leaves above her. When was she ever like this? A year ago I would have expected her to fall near to tears. I realized that many things have changed throughout the year I was gone.

Rashid: “I told you I have no choice, why won’t you listen to me?!”

Asma: “No.”

            It was like Rashid’s soul was in Asma’s body and Asma’s in his. I never thought Asma would ever be able to deal with him, much less take full control of the situation. She didn’t need me after all…

Rashid: “Inzain when?”

Asma: “I told you before. Until I’m at least halfway through my second year of college.”

Rashid: “5aaibh, now you’re pushing it! La2, bassch inty w your demands. I’m not going to let you decide anymore. You have two choices Asma. It’s either halfway through your FIRST year, or right now in front of all your family and friends. You pick.”

            Okaay, ymkin 7sadt-haa…

Asma: “You wouldn’t dare!”

Rashid: “Yes I would.”

Asma: “This is too extreme!”

Rashid: “Extreme situations call for extreme measures.”

Asma: “Ufffff I HATE YOU!”

            She suddenly turned around and stormed in the opposite direction of Rashid. Only, that direction was where I was standing. Before my mind could register what was going on, a trembling body hit my chest, and I was staring into the watery eyes of Asma’s shocked and dread-filled face.

To be continued…